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The_Kansan
Claxton (Powell) , Tennessee USA
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The_Kansan
Claxton (Powell) , Tennessee USA
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| | About Women...
Posted: Today, 6:07 AM CST |
* The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
* Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
* Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
* 'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
* Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.
* All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.
* If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?'
* Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.
* Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check.
* If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more trouble)
* Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
* Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested.
* Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
* Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
* It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.
* Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other women.
* The most embarrassing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-GOD, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!'
About Women...: click here to read the entire thread
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The_Kansan
Claxton (Powell) , Tennessee USA
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| | About Women...
Posted: Today, 6:07 AM CST |
* Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
* Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't understand'.
* Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
* Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
* Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
* Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
* Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.
* Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.
* Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.
* Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an 'on/off' switch.
* Women think all beer is the same.
* Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.
* If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
* Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
* Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
* Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick? Oil doesn't stick!'
* Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.
* The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
* Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
* Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
* Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
* PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
About Women...: click here to read the entire thread
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The_Kansan
Claxton (Powell) , Tennessee USA
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The_Kansan
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The_Kansan
Claxton (Powell) , Tennessee USA
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The_Kansan
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The_Kansan
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The_Kansan
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The_Kansan
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The_Kansan
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The_Kansan
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The_Kansan
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The_Kansan
Claxton (Powell) , Tennessee USA
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The_Kansan
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The_Kansan
Claxton (Powell) , Tennessee USA
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| | Technical Night Before Christmas
Posted: Nov 19, 2008, 5:06 AM CST |
By rapidly lowering and than elevating one eyelid and rotating his
head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was
groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
articles of merchandise extracted from the aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.
Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face,
placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and
forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage.
He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance,
directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed.
But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide
to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my
sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn.
Technical Night Before Christmas : click here to read the entire thread
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The_Kansan
Claxton (Powell) , Tennessee USA
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| | Technical Night Before Christmas
Posted: Nov 19, 2008, 5:06 AM CST |
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums.
My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal bed coverings,
Were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing
this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.
With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may possibly have
been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -
with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage.
He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
sub maxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance
were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.
His amusing sub and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly.
His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly
mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of
impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being.
Technical Night Before Christmas : click here to read the entire thread
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The_Kansan
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